Post by cyborg878 on Aug 10, 2011 22:58:48 GMT -5
"I recently recalled two well known phrases involving large things meeting gravity. One of course being that they say the bigger they are the harder they fall. Then there is the question of if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Do you know what I wish to inquire dear reader? If two talentless beached whales fall in a wrestling ring, does anyone laugh? I know I will." - Jackson Knite
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The scene opens up in the Libertarian Wrestling office of Leo Hawkins. Jackson Knite sits beside his tag team partner and best friend Daniel Ryerson, and they both sit across from Leo Hawkins.
Leo Hawkins: Jackson and Daniel, not that it isn't great to see two of the new talents, but..why are you here? We already worked out your contracts.
Jackson: I know that, but we want to know who our opponents are for our first match.
Daniel: Well to be exact, Jackson is the one that wants to know. I'll beat the shit out of whoever you give us to save.
Leo Hawkins: I see, well, I guess I can make this quick. Your opponents are Bull Connor and Ape Simmons.
Jackson: Who?
Leo Hawkins: The Bull and Ape Alliance.
Jackson: .......who?
Leo sighs and rummages through his desk. He pulls out a photo of Bull Connor and Ape Simmons.
Leo Hawkins: These guys.
Jackson: Wait.. did you sign a deal with sumo wrestling international or something?
Daniel: Leo, thanks for your time I'll take him away, don't worry.
Leo Hawkins: Thank you!
Daniel grabs Jackson's arm and drags him out of the office, but not before Jackson swipes the picture of their opponents. Daniel drags Jackson to the elevator where they get inside and Jackson presses the first floor button. Jackson looks at the picture.
Jackson: Danny. I wonder...if we knock one of these guys over... do you think Greenpeace will tow them into the ocean?
Daniel: No Jackson, I don't think they will.
Jackson: If we hit them... will we get sued by the World Wildlife Fund for abusing wild hippopotamuses? ...Hippopotami? Hippo-
Daniel: -Jackson it doesn't matter what the plural of hippopotamus is. No one really cares. And no, we can't get sued for hitting them. It's our job.
Jackson: ...Are you sure?
Daniel: Yes.. I am completely sure.
Jackson: That's good. I hope people know that no animals will be harmed in the making of the show.
Daniel: I think they know that Jackson. Relax, you've had way too much caffeine or something.
Jackson: ...Sorry. But I'm just excited we have our first match in a major fed.
Daniel: I know you're excited, it's a great opportunity for us. But you need to calm.
Jackson: You're totally bringin' me down right now bud....like anti viagra or something.
Daniel cracks a smile, but doesn't let Jackson see, he then shakes his head and the smile disappears. They reach the first floor and the door opens revealing some business people outside.
Jackson (In head): Buncha damn stiffs.
As the business people enter the elevator, Daniel leaves, followed by Jackson who stays in the elevator long enough to press the button for every floor, before escaping the wrath of the angry 'stiffs'. The elevator doors close as anrgy business people yell at Jackson, who is already exitting the front door of the LW Headquarters with Daniel. They walk outside and go to get a taxi, but something, or someone catches Jackson's attention. Jackson stops Daniel and points a a large mascot.
Daniel: Yes Jackson..that's the Michilin Man. What about him?
Jackson: He's the same size as our opponents! This is perfect, wee need to see if we can get two of those suits!
Daniel: Why am I afraid?
Jackson: Trust me, okay?
Jackson and Daniel walk into the Michilin Tires retailers. They walk past rows of tires and go straight to the manager's office, ignoring staff telling them not to. Jackson bursts through the door.
Jackson: Sir or mam, I wish to buy two of those marshmallow man costumes off of you!
Manager: Well we don't usually sell our mascot costumes...
Jackson: I'll pay top dollar.
Manager: How does two hundred and fifty dollars a costume sound?
Jackson: Sounds good to me!
Jackson hands the manager five hundred dollars and he and Daniel walk out carrying two Michilin Man costumes as the scene fades out.
----------------------------
The scene fades in and Jackson and Daniel are standing in a wrestling gym.
Daniel: Why the hell did you buy those costumes?
Jackson: Trust me, I have an idea.
Daniel: We're not putting those things on.
Jackson: No WE'RE not. But THEY are.
Jackson points to two men walk into the room wearing the costumes, without the head, which Premium Championship Wrestling fans would remember as Jobbers For Hire Kyle Sync and Jake Norton.
Jackson: I figured these two would help us prepare for our match with Shamu and Free Willy. In the suits they're about the same size, and I put bags of potatoes into the suits so the weight would be closer. Now you two get in the ring.
All four men enter the ring. Daniel climbs onto the apron, while Kyle Sync struggles onto the apron on the other side. A gym trainer rings the bell and slides into the ring to act as a referee. Jackson Knite and Jake Norton meet in the middle, where Jackson attempts and fails to lift Norton. Norton laughs a bit, thinking he has the advantage for once in his career, but Jackson dropkicks him off of his feet. The dropkick is almost absorbed by the Michilin Man costume. As Norton begins to stand Jackson hits a roundhouse kick to Norton's head. Jackson puls off a running DDT before walking to his corner and tagging Daniel in. Daniel hits a low roundhouse kick and then follows up with a running knee strike. Daniel locks in an armbar, but Jack Norton rolls over, squashing Daniel. Jake Norton drags Daniel to the corner. Jake climbs to the second turnbuckle and jumps hitting a splash on Ryerson. Jake goes for the cover, but Daniel gets his shoulder up before the ref could start his count.
Jake tags in Kyle Sync who hits a running senton on Daniel. Kyle gets up and goes for an elbow drop, but Daniel rolls out of the way. Daniel gets to his feet and takes Sync down with a swinging neckbreaker. Daniel stomps on Syn's legs before dragging him to the Second City Saviors' corner. Daniel tags in Jackson, as Daniel exits onto the apron, Jackson climbs the turnbuckle. Jackson leaps and hits Sync in the chest with a GHETTO STOMP. Jackson waits for Sync to get to his feet, but is attacked from behind by Norton. Daniel rushes in and dropkicks Norton out of the ring. He then hits a vaulting crossbody to Norton on the outside.
Meanwhile in the ring Jackson dodges a clothesline attempt from Sync. When Kyle turns around he receives the PISTOL WHIP! Jackson goes for the cover.
1
.
.
2
.
.
3
DING DING DING!
Jackson rolls out of the ring and joins Daniel on the gym floor where he high fives his friend. They walk out of the gym, leaving Sync and Norton in their costumes.
-----------------------------------
The Chicago Times Mon. Aug. 8, 2011
Chicago Natives Tranquilize Escaped Animals
Two former Chicago residents managed to stop a pair of escaped zoo animals, a bull and an ape. The four legged escapees had both destroyed the fencing that was keeping them captive before terrorizing zoo go-ers. The animals reigned terror upon the zoo for a half an hour until two men from Chicago managed to subdue the beasts.
--------------------------------
D.R.: The Second City Saviors have come to Libertarian Wrestling. We will rid LW from the vices that make everyone else weak. We are the Straight Edge Solution to all of LW's problems. And do you know what straight edge makes us? Better than you. And that will be demonstrated this week at Saturday Night Liberty. Jackson and I have been entered in the tag title tournament for the LW World Tag Team Championships. Our opponents are WKF rejects known as the Bull and Ape Alliance.
J.K.: We know very little about our opponents. In fact the main thing we know is they are the size of beached whales. I mean they might have escaped from Seaworld. YOu know what I kind of feel bad making fat jokes... I really do. Well okay, not really, but I mean seriously.. they aren't helping their case. One of the Bull's finishers is him sitting on his opponent. He sits on his opponent to defeat them. SITTING! Do you know how fat he must be in order for sitting on someone to legitimately end a match? Think sumo wrestlers. That's how fat.
D.R.: All fat jokes aside, our opponents are great competitors.
J.K.: I mean sure..they got fired from the one company they have worked for.. . . but, that doesn't mean anything right? That doesn't mean they just plain suck....right?
D.R.: Actually, it does Jackson.
J.K.: Yeah I kinda figured. So Daniel how do we deal with such monstrocities?
D.R.: The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
J.K.: Maybe put a Big Mac on the ground?
D.R.: Jackson you know we don't need to resort to that. We are the best in the world.
J.K.: True, true. So Danny, did you hear that Fat Albert and his friend had some words about us?
D.R.: And what exactly was said?
J.K.: Chicago is a horrible city, blah, blah, blah.
D.R.: Clever, they insult the hometown. Wow, good job.
J.K.: Danny, in their defense..I think they spent more time trying to find all you can eat buffets instead of working on intelligence and trash talk.
D.R.: What else did they say?
J.K.: I made you quit drugs.
D.R.: I did drugs?
J.K.: I know, they really need to get their info right. I mean first of all, you're a recovering alochoholic, not a drug addict. Second of all I didn't force you. I told you I thought you had a problem, and you asked me to help you.
D.R.: And being the good friend you are, you did. There was no force involved.
J.K.: Also we are boring for being straight-edge.
D.R.: Boring? Just because we don't need to resort to disgusting things like alchohol, weed, and drugs to have fun, we're boring? Frig, people are stupid. But then again, straight-edge means we're better than them.
J.K.: I know that. Oh by the way, they will crush, destroy and beat us.
D.R.: Oh, all three huh? All three.. meaning the same of course in the world of wrestling. They're a tad redundant aren't they?
J.K.: Yup. But again, they aren't that swift it seems. So the not so jolly giants need to understand something. We are faster than you, we are more intelligent than you, we are more resourceful than you, and we are more talented than you. We are the Straight Edge Solution to your addiction.
D.R.: We are the Second City Saviors, and we will rid the tag team divison of you fat bastards.
---------------------------------------------------
The scene opens up in the Libertarian Wrestling office of Leo Hawkins. Jackson Knite sits beside his tag team partner and best friend Daniel Ryerson, and they both sit across from Leo Hawkins.
Leo Hawkins: Jackson and Daniel, not that it isn't great to see two of the new talents, but..why are you here? We already worked out your contracts.
Jackson: I know that, but we want to know who our opponents are for our first match.
Daniel: Well to be exact, Jackson is the one that wants to know. I'll beat the shit out of whoever you give us to save.
Leo Hawkins: I see, well, I guess I can make this quick. Your opponents are Bull Connor and Ape Simmons.
Jackson: Who?
Leo Hawkins: The Bull and Ape Alliance.
Jackson: .......who?
Leo sighs and rummages through his desk. He pulls out a photo of Bull Connor and Ape Simmons.
Leo Hawkins: These guys.
Jackson: Wait.. did you sign a deal with sumo wrestling international or something?
Daniel: Leo, thanks for your time I'll take him away, don't worry.
Leo Hawkins: Thank you!
Daniel grabs Jackson's arm and drags him out of the office, but not before Jackson swipes the picture of their opponents. Daniel drags Jackson to the elevator where they get inside and Jackson presses the first floor button. Jackson looks at the picture.
Jackson: Danny. I wonder...if we knock one of these guys over... do you think Greenpeace will tow them into the ocean?
Daniel: No Jackson, I don't think they will.
Jackson: If we hit them... will we get sued by the World Wildlife Fund for abusing wild hippopotamuses? ...Hippopotami? Hippo-
Daniel: -Jackson it doesn't matter what the plural of hippopotamus is. No one really cares. And no, we can't get sued for hitting them. It's our job.
Jackson: ...Are you sure?
Daniel: Yes.. I am completely sure.
Jackson: That's good. I hope people know that no animals will be harmed in the making of the show.
Daniel: I think they know that Jackson. Relax, you've had way too much caffeine or something.
Jackson: ...Sorry. But I'm just excited we have our first match in a major fed.
Daniel: I know you're excited, it's a great opportunity for us. But you need to calm.
Jackson: You're totally bringin' me down right now bud....like anti viagra or something.
Daniel cracks a smile, but doesn't let Jackson see, he then shakes his head and the smile disappears. They reach the first floor and the door opens revealing some business people outside.
Jackson (In head): Buncha damn stiffs.
As the business people enter the elevator, Daniel leaves, followed by Jackson who stays in the elevator long enough to press the button for every floor, before escaping the wrath of the angry 'stiffs'. The elevator doors close as anrgy business people yell at Jackson, who is already exitting the front door of the LW Headquarters with Daniel. They walk outside and go to get a taxi, but something, or someone catches Jackson's attention. Jackson stops Daniel and points a a large mascot.
Daniel: Yes Jackson..that's the Michilin Man. What about him?
Jackson: He's the same size as our opponents! This is perfect, wee need to see if we can get two of those suits!
Daniel: Why am I afraid?
Jackson: Trust me, okay?
Jackson and Daniel walk into the Michilin Tires retailers. They walk past rows of tires and go straight to the manager's office, ignoring staff telling them not to. Jackson bursts through the door.
Jackson: Sir or mam, I wish to buy two of those marshmallow man costumes off of you!
Manager: Well we don't usually sell our mascot costumes...
Jackson: I'll pay top dollar.
Manager: How does two hundred and fifty dollars a costume sound?
Jackson: Sounds good to me!
Jackson hands the manager five hundred dollars and he and Daniel walk out carrying two Michilin Man costumes as the scene fades out.
----------------------------
The scene fades in and Jackson and Daniel are standing in a wrestling gym.
Daniel: Why the hell did you buy those costumes?
Jackson: Trust me, I have an idea.
Daniel: We're not putting those things on.
Jackson: No WE'RE not. But THEY are.
Jackson points to two men walk into the room wearing the costumes, without the head, which Premium Championship Wrestling fans would remember as Jobbers For Hire Kyle Sync and Jake Norton.
Jackson: I figured these two would help us prepare for our match with Shamu and Free Willy. In the suits they're about the same size, and I put bags of potatoes into the suits so the weight would be closer. Now you two get in the ring.
All four men enter the ring. Daniel climbs onto the apron, while Kyle Sync struggles onto the apron on the other side. A gym trainer rings the bell and slides into the ring to act as a referee. Jackson Knite and Jake Norton meet in the middle, where Jackson attempts and fails to lift Norton. Norton laughs a bit, thinking he has the advantage for once in his career, but Jackson dropkicks him off of his feet. The dropkick is almost absorbed by the Michilin Man costume. As Norton begins to stand Jackson hits a roundhouse kick to Norton's head. Jackson puls off a running DDT before walking to his corner and tagging Daniel in. Daniel hits a low roundhouse kick and then follows up with a running knee strike. Daniel locks in an armbar, but Jack Norton rolls over, squashing Daniel. Jake Norton drags Daniel to the corner. Jake climbs to the second turnbuckle and jumps hitting a splash on Ryerson. Jake goes for the cover, but Daniel gets his shoulder up before the ref could start his count.
Jake tags in Kyle Sync who hits a running senton on Daniel. Kyle gets up and goes for an elbow drop, but Daniel rolls out of the way. Daniel gets to his feet and takes Sync down with a swinging neckbreaker. Daniel stomps on Syn's legs before dragging him to the Second City Saviors' corner. Daniel tags in Jackson, as Daniel exits onto the apron, Jackson climbs the turnbuckle. Jackson leaps and hits Sync in the chest with a GHETTO STOMP. Jackson waits for Sync to get to his feet, but is attacked from behind by Norton. Daniel rushes in and dropkicks Norton out of the ring. He then hits a vaulting crossbody to Norton on the outside.
Meanwhile in the ring Jackson dodges a clothesline attempt from Sync. When Kyle turns around he receives the PISTOL WHIP! Jackson goes for the cover.
1
.
.
2
.
.
3
DING DING DING!
Jackson rolls out of the ring and joins Daniel on the gym floor where he high fives his friend. They walk out of the gym, leaving Sync and Norton in their costumes.
-----------------------------------
The Chicago Times Mon. Aug. 8, 2011
Chicago Natives Tranquilize Escaped Animals
Two former Chicago residents managed to stop a pair of escaped zoo animals, a bull and an ape. The four legged escapees had both destroyed the fencing that was keeping them captive before terrorizing zoo go-ers. The animals reigned terror upon the zoo for a half an hour until two men from Chicago managed to subdue the beasts.
--------------------------------
D.R.: The Second City Saviors have come to Libertarian Wrestling. We will rid LW from the vices that make everyone else weak. We are the Straight Edge Solution to all of LW's problems. And do you know what straight edge makes us? Better than you. And that will be demonstrated this week at Saturday Night Liberty. Jackson and I have been entered in the tag title tournament for the LW World Tag Team Championships. Our opponents are WKF rejects known as the Bull and Ape Alliance.
J.K.: We know very little about our opponents. In fact the main thing we know is they are the size of beached whales. I mean they might have escaped from Seaworld. YOu know what I kind of feel bad making fat jokes... I really do. Well okay, not really, but I mean seriously.. they aren't helping their case. One of the Bull's finishers is him sitting on his opponent. He sits on his opponent to defeat them. SITTING! Do you know how fat he must be in order for sitting on someone to legitimately end a match? Think sumo wrestlers. That's how fat.
D.R.: All fat jokes aside, our opponents are great competitors.
J.K.: I mean sure..they got fired from the one company they have worked for.. . . but, that doesn't mean anything right? That doesn't mean they just plain suck....right?
D.R.: Actually, it does Jackson.
J.K.: Yeah I kinda figured. So Daniel how do we deal with such monstrocities?
D.R.: The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
J.K.: Maybe put a Big Mac on the ground?
D.R.: Jackson you know we don't need to resort to that. We are the best in the world.
J.K.: True, true. So Danny, did you hear that Fat Albert and his friend had some words about us?
D.R.: And what exactly was said?
J.K.: Chicago is a horrible city, blah, blah, blah.
D.R.: Clever, they insult the hometown. Wow, good job.
J.K.: Danny, in their defense..I think they spent more time trying to find all you can eat buffets instead of working on intelligence and trash talk.
D.R.: What else did they say?
J.K.: I made you quit drugs.
D.R.: I did drugs?
J.K.: I know, they really need to get their info right. I mean first of all, you're a recovering alochoholic, not a drug addict. Second of all I didn't force you. I told you I thought you had a problem, and you asked me to help you.
D.R.: And being the good friend you are, you did. There was no force involved.
J.K.: Also we are boring for being straight-edge.
D.R.: Boring? Just because we don't need to resort to disgusting things like alchohol, weed, and drugs to have fun, we're boring? Frig, people are stupid. But then again, straight-edge means we're better than them.
J.K.: I know that. Oh by the way, they will crush, destroy and beat us.
D.R.: Oh, all three huh? All three.. meaning the same of course in the world of wrestling. They're a tad redundant aren't they?
J.K.: Yup. But again, they aren't that swift it seems. So the not so jolly giants need to understand something. We are faster than you, we are more intelligent than you, we are more resourceful than you, and we are more talented than you. We are the Straight Edge Solution to your addiction.
D.R.: We are the Second City Saviors, and we will rid the tag team divison of you fat bastards.
