Post by stryker on Oct 8, 2012 0:16:49 GMT -5
Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, there was a man who had an obsession with very shiny things.
And these shiny things ranged from all walks of life, all across the land. He demanded nothing but the finest of these shiny things, the cream of the crop.
His three loyal servants would do everything in their power to get this man what he wanted, but to no avail they always came up short.
Now the man forgave their idiocy eventually, but he was sick of settling with just second best, he grew tired of dealing with the minor treasure they beseeched unto him.
So he took it into his own hands, and decided to find his own treasure, and form his own journey with a new hope to find what he is so desperately looking for.
When the man returned upon his quest of shiny epicness, he too, came back with nothing. He traveled across nations and tortured lands of all sorts, only to return with less than he had before. But after all this turmoil of finding treasure and making himself happy, he had forgotten what truly matters.
The man looks around at his servants who look exhausted from doing all these civil duties for him, and just smiled. The man realizes the treasure he has so sought is right in front of him.
The servants seem puzzled and dumbfounded by the smirking gesture, but the man, he keeps on smiling.
An idea strikes the head of this once greedy man, and he proposes that they make their own version of something that is shiny, desirable, and very valuable.
The four of these tired souls put their ideas together and come up with what is now known today as America’s finest treat, the Twinkie.
Flaky on the outside, creamy on the inside, something so golden has never tasted so good.
This message brought to you by Hostess, that’s the stuff, Hostess!
The TV commercial is clicked off by Brian Stryker as him and A-Con are sitting in what looks like a dressing room surrounded by empty boxes of delicious Twinkies. They are all stuffed to the moon as they lay on their backs meandering what awaits them for the rest of the day. B-Soup and Nate Rellington, The boss of A-Con and B-Soup, seem to be missing somewhere, so Stryker and A-Con are left to settle with their full bellies lonesome and bloated on some nice velvety couches. As we look around the room we see it stacked with merchandise from the Hostess brand. Cardboard cutouts of life size Twinkies with eyes, Twinkie action figures laying on the floor, a Twinkie hat resting behind the sofas Stryker and A-Con are occupying, and of course a Twinkie foam finger on the coffee table just inches away from Stryker’s position. The room was indeed gold standard with snack food goodness, but sadly, Stryker and his buddy were not in the mood for anymore junk food as these golden glazed objects stare them down in a stalking prowess. Stryker starts to drift off into sleep as A-Con plays his Game Boy until their relaxing mood is killed by B-Soup’s presence as he comes busting through the door with a golden ninja suit!
B-Soup: What the flipper noodle are you guys doin!?! We have a commercial to shoot in twenty minutes! We promised the Hostess dudes we’d shoot them a snazzy TV ad, and look at you two now, look at this mess. Don’t you guys wanna make some cash?
Stryker just rolls his eyes as A-Con looks up at B-Soup quixotically then goes back to his Game Boy in complete ignorance.
B-Soup: I hope you all realize that all those complimentary Twinkies these nice guys at Hostess gave you won’t be so complimentary anymore if we don’t do this darn commercial!
Stryker: Yeah….me and A-Con here just saw the rough draft commercial the business butt holes at Hostess gave us to work with, and sorry to say, but it ain’t happenin.
B-Soup: WHAT DA FLUCK!?!!
A-Con: I agree my dude, it’s pretty FREAKIN lame.
B-Soup grunts while he stomps his foot in the ground.
B-Soup: You guys are really something else. Nate is in the bathroom right now tryin to fit in that silly suit their makin him wear for the ad, and you two aren’t even in your getups yet! The least we can do is appreciate the little promotional gigs Nate DOES get us and go with it. That is his job as a business agent after all, is to, well, you know, get us business!!!
Stryker: Uhm…true…but like…I’m kinda tired after that party last night. And did Nate really have to book this during the middle of the tour schedule? The Twinkies are nice and all, but really, cut us some slack.
A-Con: Seriously, Hamster has worked hard the past few weeks, he should relax.
B-Soup raises a brow and folds his arms in a judgmental stance.
B-Soup: Oh REALLY? And I suppose YOU worked equally as hard? Oh wait, never mind, you were too busy getting your GTL on and being nowhere in sight when me and Nate were tryin to get Hamster in the wrestling state of mind before his big debut match.
A-Con: Hey man, not cool bro, I HAVE to make my tanning appointments or else they book me on a day when I’m too busy fist pumpin with my mom on our weekly club nights. Do you know how hard it is to make their schedule?
B-Soup: Look man, we said we’d do this gig, so let’s buck up and do it.
A-Con: No, you look, we’re both obviously really freakin tired here, so why don’t you and Nate keep bringin on the free Twinkies, and go and do the commercial yo damn selves.
B-Soup: NO UUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stryker falls off the couch and onto his ass accidentally and interrupts the argument with a thud to the floor. But he decides to brush it off and takes the opportunity to stop the argument before it gets heated.
Stryker: Look guys, I know I just fell on my ass, but listen, Nate DOES work hard, and he does do his best to get us some cash flow to survive, so the least we can do is work with the gigs he gives us, and especially appreciate that he’s the one wearing the gay ass suit, and not us right?
B-Soup and A-Con laugh knowing it’s true that Nate always ends up getting stuck with the shit end of the stick when it comes to stuff like this.
Stryker: So what, the commercial their making us do is kind of stupid, and the fairytale narration their havin with it is even gayer, but by god, WE ARE GONNA ROCK THIS THING SO HARD, PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD WILL BUY THE TWINKIES! BECAUSE DAMMIT, WE NEED TO PAY RENT!
B-Soup & A-Con: YEAH!
Suddenly the dressing room door opens and all eyes turn to the door. Nate Claudius Rellington has officially entered the room, and the infamous suit Stryker and the others have been conversing about, makes itself known. Nate ends up being dressed in a giant Twinkie suit with large white clown like shoes, and has an angry facial expression upon his face while Stryker, A-Con, and B-Soup are now rolling on the floor laughing their asses off. Nate kicks the air and crosses his arms.
Nate: Laugh it up ass monkeys, cause this here ain’t no joke. I see B-Soup is all dressed and raring to go, but why in tarnation are you and A-Con not ready yet Stryker? You bastards were too busy eatin Twinkies than getting yourselves ready! Wait til you see the damn costumes you idiots have to wear, then you won’t be laughin now will ya!?
All three men stop and stare at Nate for a long time, then go back to laughing.
Nate: For Christ’s sake! Get ready, we’re on in fifteen!
Nate leaves the room and slams the door shut in a hurry. After a few more moments of laughing, the three amigos stop themselves in a huff and get serious.
Stryker: Okay guys, he’s right, as ridiculous as this all is, we need to overcome the humorous situation, and dominate the F***K out of it. What were we supposed to be dressed as again A-Con?
A-Con: Twinkie versions of Hansel and Gretel for the whole Fairytale feel.
Stryker: Damn, Nate was right, we’re gonna look more retarded than he does. How come B-Soup gets stuck with the cool golden ninja suit and we have to be friggin Twinkies!
B-Soup: Because I had official documentation showing the producers my ninja code of honor, and since my natural snack food shaped body already kinda looks like a Twinkie anyway, they just decided to color me nice and pretty so that I don’t have to unmask myself in front of the whole world.
A-Con: Bro, we’ve seen pictures of you without your stupid suit, you ain’t foolin anybody dude.
B-Soup: Shut up.
Stryker: Listen guys, we’re wastin time. Let’s get our asses out there and make this commercial our bitch!
A-Con and B-Soup both say yeah as the three walk out and get ready for the commercial.
It's only minutes now til the commercial shoot, Stryker and the whole gang are fully dressed to impress as they stand on the set waiting for their director. The set was very well done with it being a cardboard castle background featuring plastic life sized torches on each side of the castle replica. Okay, well, maybe not THAT well done. But the set itself was good enough to at least trick a five year old into believing Twinkies were real and lived in a fantasy world of dragons and trolls. As the gang of silly jackasses stand at the wait, they stare at each other in ridiculous notion. Nate seemed to be able to control his laughter and teasing to the others, but Stryker, A-Con, and B-Soup still agreed Nate had the worst suit.
Stryker wanted to deny it, he really did, but as he looked at himself in a female Twinkie Gretel costume, even he seemed a bit less idiotic as a Twinkie with a vagina than Nate did while he treated his costume like some sort of plague which made laughing at him all the more easier. A-Con on the other hand wasn't quite as filled with good humor as the others, he felt incredibly insecure in his suit and wanted badly to go back to his tan look and colorful clothing display. He felt that his looks became trapped and disregarded by this gigantic suit and truly wanted to burn it where he stood. But with a little motivation from one another, and plenty of drive to make that good money, each person swallows their pride, and accepts what they must do. Stryker decides to lighten the mood and shake off everyone's nerves with a quick joke.
Stryker: Well, it could be worse. We could be dressed as Justin Bieber doing a Vagasil commercial.
A-Con: That's hella true.
B-Soup: I wouldn't mind being dressed up as Justin Bieber! Then I can get all the ladies!
A-Con: Yeah, when I go pale and stop going clubbing.
Nate: Quit the yammerin and focus, the director could be here at any second and we need to be in position.
B-Soup: What KIND of position?
A-Con: Spread Eagle?
B-Soup: Sixty Nine?
Stryker: Or maybe my personal favorite, The Flying Monchetti Wheelbarrow!
Nate face palms himself and shakes his head. At this point Nate understands that his so called partners in crime don't exactly have brains in their heads at times, but he knows they help him make income, and always tries to shrug their cheekiness off. Brian and the others giggle slightly until their humorous blundering is interrupted by the director of the shoot with a mega phone in hand and a skip in his step.
Director: Good evening folks, it is I, DRAKE DOWNEY! But you, you may call me DD.
Stryker: That's the gayest name I've ever heard.
A-Con: I thought me and B's names were lame, but that guy is pretty up there in lame names.
Nate talks under his breath in an angry whisper.
Nate: Unless you wanna survive off of canned beans and bad casino bets I suggest you shut your yaps.
B-Soup: What he said.
Stryker and A-Con roll their eyes as "DD" steps forward eying them all down as they stand in a semi-straight line waiting for their cues. At one point the director even sniffs their armpits and brushes their chins. Nobody but the director understands what's going on, and he is taking his sweet time before he throws them all into the belly of the fish so to speak, and puts them on camera.
DD: So....I see that most of you are wearing Old Spice, and this cow boy fellow, he seems to be wearing Aqua Di Gio, interesting choices. But NONE of you ARE WEARING THE SPECIALIZED COLOGNE YOU WERE SENT IN THE MAIL TWO WEEKS AGO!
Stryker: Huh?
DD: I sent you all a large bottle of Twisted Twinkle, the cream and butterscotch mix cologne you were told to wear on the set today. Anyone want to EXPLAIN themselves? HMMM!?
Stryker: I never received it and I was never told about it either, so what the hell you want me to do pal?
A-Con: Yeah, isn't it bad enough we have to wear these costumes you made us put on?
DD: Are you two talking back to me?
Both: Yes.
DD: Say again, sorry, I didn't hear you.
Both: YE-
DD puts the mega phone to his mouth and screams loudly into their faces with it.
DD: TOO BAD FOR YOU! Because unless you do what the company wants, you will get NO cash.
DD drops the mega phone to his side and swishes his head in a hmph gesture, then gets ready to wrap the set up and call security to escort these men out of the building.
Nate: Aw come on, you gotta let us do this gig, we need it.
B-Soup: Hold the phone. I...I wanna admit something.
Everyone looks at B-Soup in a glimmer waiting to hear what he has to confess.
B-Soup: I saw the box of cologne in Stryker's apartment when we were all over for a long night of hardcore gaming, and got really thirsty, and since all Stryker had was water at the time, I thought it smelled good, and...I...I...
B-Soup starts to break down until finally.....HERE COMES THE WATER WORKS!
B-Soup: I DRANK THE WHOLE BOX! AND IT WAS SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!
B-Soup starts streaming down tears of sadness as they pour down towards the floor. A-Con huddles over him as he is hunched with his head in his hands.
A-Con: Forgive this dude, he's sensitive.
Stryker: Aw shucks B, I shoulda hid em from ya the day we got together like that.
B-Soup looks up at DD with tears rolling down his puffy squirrel cheeks, and makes his famous puppy dog eyed facial expression that hardly anybody can resist.
B-Soup: Pl....*hick* please. I *sniffle* am really....sorry I did that. But I couldn't....*snort* I couldn't help it. I'm just so poorly self controlled *sob* I sometimes let my stomach get the....*hiccup* the best of me.
DD raises an eyebrow then slowly looks at the sobbing and broken down ninja wannabe and analyzes the costumes the crew put on again, and decided to give them another chance.
DD: Alright, very well then, we can go on with the commercial, since you all did go through the trouble of at LEAST putting on your suits. Now get in front of the lens, AND LET US BEGIN!
Sighs of relief fill the room and surprisingly B-Soup didn't piss his pants this time. They walk towards the camera, the director holds his hand up to ready the signal for recording, Stryker and company line themselves up in front of the castle properly, and within seconds, it's show time!
DD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAND.......ACTION!
The sound of a lute begins to fill the area while a majestic cardboard rainbow is slowly reeled down above the heads of Stryker and his pals. B-Soup looks up and smiles.
B-Soup: WOAH! A REAL RAINBOW!
DD face palms with a loud groan.
DD: CUT!
B-Soup seems confused.
B-Soup: What?
DD: You weren't supposed to say that! You and your buddies were supposed to look interested in your surroundings until you see the Twinkie angel come down from above, and then that's when you say your one line, and Nate says his part, and we end the commercial. Remember FOOLS, The majority of the commercial will be narrated, and then, we will cut to this epic scene of beauty.
B-Soup nods his head as if he remembers now, and Nate and the others just compose themselves letting the mistake slide.
DD: Okay, ACTION!
Once again a cardboard rainbow is lowered downwards and a lute is heard. This time nobody says anything as the commercial keeps rolling, everybody just looks intrigued by everything they see around them, until at last the Twinkie Angel is lowered above their heads beside the rainbow, and just as it looks like B-Soup was gonna say his line, he draws a blank and becomes pale as he looks at the angel and freezes up on set.
Nate: I think he needs to call line.
DD: CUT!
B-Soup's eyes widen as the fake angel is pulled back up to the rafters of the set and the rainbow goes away with it. B then looks at the director in a fascination.
B-Soup: Did you see that wonderful angel!?!
DD: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! It's fake! You have one line, and then Nate has one line, and then you all breakout into a dance to the jingle, AND IT'S CUT! HOW HARD IS THAT!?! Your line was "THAT'S THE STUFF!" And then, Nate says "HOSTESS!" HOW DIFFICULT IS SUCH A TASK!?
Stryker: Calm down boss man, fat boy here doesn't do well under pressure like this.
B-Soup starts to cry again.
A-Con: Dammit, see what ya did?
B-Soup: But I...I was just trying...to....to....
DD: ENOUGH! We're through here, get off of my set, find another job, and don't return! SECURITY! THE CIA! THE FBI! SOMEBODY GET THESE CLOWNS OUT OF MY LINE OF VISION!
Stryker: Please, give us another shot!
DD: NO! OUT!
Stryker: You’re a d**k!
DD: LEAVE!!!
Just as Stryker is about to go over to the director and give him a piece of his mind, three security guards block Stryker and his friends from walking to DD and start guiding the gang out the back door. Stryker manages to flip DD the bird before him and his friends finally get the boot. When all is said and done, the four of them are left standing in their Twinkie costumes next to a dumpster and reminiscing within the stench of failure.
Nate: God dammit, I AM GETTING SO TIRED OF THIS BULL! Why do I have to be stuck with you morons! That's it Stryker, we're firing B-Soup and A-Con!
B-Soup is still crying and A-Con looks terrified at those words.
A-Con: Nate, don't say that....you KNOW not to say those words around us.
Nate: I don't give a rat's ass anymore! Stryker, they can employ themselves with someone else, we don't have time for this anymore.
Stryker walks over to Nate and puts a hand on his shoulder.
Stryker: Now Nate, we've been friends for a LONG time, back when I was a snot nose kid who didn’t know the difference between a armbar and a headlock, and we both know, that you can get a little carried away sometimes. So let's agree that A-Con and B-Soup just aren't meant for shit like this, and find something else for all of us to do to make a living.
A rage is clearly shown on Nate's face and body posture.
Nate: Are you KIDDING me? Not long ago you wanted these guys gone from your life, and now your DEFENDING them!?! Christ in harmony, have it your way. But when you’re ready to get serious about business, come and find me, until then, I'll be in my office in LA trying to make the big bucks for someone who wants it just a LITTLE more than you do.
Stryker: That's how you want it?
Nate: That's how I want it.
Stryker and Nate eye each other for a long time in a deathly gaze, until finally Stryker breaks the ice.
Stryker: Fine. I can't stop you from finding another client to help, but I want you to know we'll always be buds. And there ain't nothin you can do to change that.
Nate didn't seem to care about the comment, but Stryker could tell that somewhere inside him, Nate felt guilty. After moments of intense chemistry, Nate turns his back to Stryker and waddles off in his Twinkie suit towards the road. Like a cheesy Incredible Hulk scene, or a the ending of a western movie, Nate walks off into the sunset, and we go back to the task at hand.
Stryker: Well, here we are guys, all by our lonesome. But don't worry, he'll get over it. We just have to stick to our guns, and we'll be JUST fine.
B-Soup: R...really? Your gonna ditch him for...for us?
Stryker: He needs us B, he'll come crawling back in no time.
A-Con: For real, Nate doesn't have much more business than us, give it time, and we'll be back to the four compadre's in no time.
Stryker: Plus the three of us are buddies. We stuck through worst then this. Now come on, let’s go get some Chinese!
A-Con and B-Soup smile as the two walk off. Stryker stays behind them for a few steps.
Stryker: So it’s time for Anarchy. Where I’m getting another number 1 contendor match. This time for the broadcast title. Well a title is a title so I’m gonna fight my hardest for this one.
Last time I came just alittle up short, even though so many thought I was gonna win. I was kinda upset at that, but I quickly bounced back. I have a nice win streak going on and I have more confidence now than I did when I first got into a PCW ring. I have beaten opponents bigger than me and even held my own against a world title caliber wrestler. So something like my two opponents sound give me very little trouble.
First there’s Todd Lanford. Some GQ ripoff who think he’s worthy of gold because his daddy is rich. I can’t wait to kick him in the face, but I don’t think the sole of my shoe deserves to have such garbage on it. Plus what’s with the accent? His accent makes it sound like he’s part of some lame British sketch show.
He’s new and think he’s gonna walk right in a take what I’ve been working hard for? HELL NO! I’m gonna make sure he knows his place and send him right back to the bottom of the ladder. Money may buy a lot of things but what it can’t by is class, and skill. And I have all the skill I need to take this kid and kick his scrawny ass.
Now onto TSO. “The Sensational One” Max Taylor. Please. Sensational? More like boring. A flash in the pan. A guy who thinks he’s all that. He and Todd would probably get along and trade their secrets on how to be better douchebags.
Plus what was the fuck was with that last promo we saw him do? First he makes a book with the cover of what could only be described as child abuse, then whacks an old lady over the head! First Class Psycho. Plus why would he want to do a spinoff of 50 shades? Why make garbage from garbage? But that’s not the point.
Either way you two ass clowns are gonna be busy at Anarchy. It’s bring your own weapons which means its gonna get violent and that makes me happy. I live off hardcore wrestling. I thrive under that pressure. When I bleed it motivates me to no end. I am the child of CZW. Grandchild of ECW. I am a hardcore machine that lives off pain. I am durable and deadly.
Giving me weapons is like giving a drunk a teacup pig. Nothing good will happn. I will destroy everyone in the ring! How would you like to be destroyed? Stryke Out onto a steel chair? Light bulb tubes to the face until you can’t see? How bout I just beat you into submission. Remember you two, I’m not satisfied with just a win or an injury. I want to destroy you completely. When I beat you both, you’ll never be the same person again. And I know the current champion Marina Valdivia will be watching wondering who she will face for the title. And when she sees me emerge victorious, she will be scared out her mind. For I will beat her as well. See you guys in the ring and make yourself comfortable once there because you won’t be leaving that mat for a long, long time.
A-Con: Come on Hamster! We’re hungry!
Stryker: Coming!
Stryker starts running to catch up as the camera fades out.
And these shiny things ranged from all walks of life, all across the land. He demanded nothing but the finest of these shiny things, the cream of the crop.
His three loyal servants would do everything in their power to get this man what he wanted, but to no avail they always came up short.
Now the man forgave their idiocy eventually, but he was sick of settling with just second best, he grew tired of dealing with the minor treasure they beseeched unto him.
So he took it into his own hands, and decided to find his own treasure, and form his own journey with a new hope to find what he is so desperately looking for.
When the man returned upon his quest of shiny epicness, he too, came back with nothing. He traveled across nations and tortured lands of all sorts, only to return with less than he had before. But after all this turmoil of finding treasure and making himself happy, he had forgotten what truly matters.
The man looks around at his servants who look exhausted from doing all these civil duties for him, and just smiled. The man realizes the treasure he has so sought is right in front of him.
The servants seem puzzled and dumbfounded by the smirking gesture, but the man, he keeps on smiling.
An idea strikes the head of this once greedy man, and he proposes that they make their own version of something that is shiny, desirable, and very valuable.
The four of these tired souls put their ideas together and come up with what is now known today as America’s finest treat, the Twinkie.
Flaky on the outside, creamy on the inside, something so golden has never tasted so good.
This message brought to you by Hostess, that’s the stuff, Hostess!
The TV commercial is clicked off by Brian Stryker as him and A-Con are sitting in what looks like a dressing room surrounded by empty boxes of delicious Twinkies. They are all stuffed to the moon as they lay on their backs meandering what awaits them for the rest of the day. B-Soup and Nate Rellington, The boss of A-Con and B-Soup, seem to be missing somewhere, so Stryker and A-Con are left to settle with their full bellies lonesome and bloated on some nice velvety couches. As we look around the room we see it stacked with merchandise from the Hostess brand. Cardboard cutouts of life size Twinkies with eyes, Twinkie action figures laying on the floor, a Twinkie hat resting behind the sofas Stryker and A-Con are occupying, and of course a Twinkie foam finger on the coffee table just inches away from Stryker’s position. The room was indeed gold standard with snack food goodness, but sadly, Stryker and his buddy were not in the mood for anymore junk food as these golden glazed objects stare them down in a stalking prowess. Stryker starts to drift off into sleep as A-Con plays his Game Boy until their relaxing mood is killed by B-Soup’s presence as he comes busting through the door with a golden ninja suit!
B-Soup: What the flipper noodle are you guys doin!?! We have a commercial to shoot in twenty minutes! We promised the Hostess dudes we’d shoot them a snazzy TV ad, and look at you two now, look at this mess. Don’t you guys wanna make some cash?
Stryker just rolls his eyes as A-Con looks up at B-Soup quixotically then goes back to his Game Boy in complete ignorance.
B-Soup: I hope you all realize that all those complimentary Twinkies these nice guys at Hostess gave you won’t be so complimentary anymore if we don’t do this darn commercial!
Stryker: Yeah….me and A-Con here just saw the rough draft commercial the business butt holes at Hostess gave us to work with, and sorry to say, but it ain’t happenin.
B-Soup: WHAT DA FLUCK!?!!
A-Con: I agree my dude, it’s pretty FREAKIN lame.
B-Soup grunts while he stomps his foot in the ground.
B-Soup: You guys are really something else. Nate is in the bathroom right now tryin to fit in that silly suit their makin him wear for the ad, and you two aren’t even in your getups yet! The least we can do is appreciate the little promotional gigs Nate DOES get us and go with it. That is his job as a business agent after all, is to, well, you know, get us business!!!
Stryker: Uhm…true…but like…I’m kinda tired after that party last night. And did Nate really have to book this during the middle of the tour schedule? The Twinkies are nice and all, but really, cut us some slack.
A-Con: Seriously, Hamster has worked hard the past few weeks, he should relax.
B-Soup raises a brow and folds his arms in a judgmental stance.
B-Soup: Oh REALLY? And I suppose YOU worked equally as hard? Oh wait, never mind, you were too busy getting your GTL on and being nowhere in sight when me and Nate were tryin to get Hamster in the wrestling state of mind before his big debut match.
A-Con: Hey man, not cool bro, I HAVE to make my tanning appointments or else they book me on a day when I’m too busy fist pumpin with my mom on our weekly club nights. Do you know how hard it is to make their schedule?
B-Soup: Look man, we said we’d do this gig, so let’s buck up and do it.
A-Con: No, you look, we’re both obviously really freakin tired here, so why don’t you and Nate keep bringin on the free Twinkies, and go and do the commercial yo damn selves.
B-Soup: NO UUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stryker falls off the couch and onto his ass accidentally and interrupts the argument with a thud to the floor. But he decides to brush it off and takes the opportunity to stop the argument before it gets heated.
Stryker: Look guys, I know I just fell on my ass, but listen, Nate DOES work hard, and he does do his best to get us some cash flow to survive, so the least we can do is work with the gigs he gives us, and especially appreciate that he’s the one wearing the gay ass suit, and not us right?
B-Soup and A-Con laugh knowing it’s true that Nate always ends up getting stuck with the shit end of the stick when it comes to stuff like this.
Stryker: So what, the commercial their making us do is kind of stupid, and the fairytale narration their havin with it is even gayer, but by god, WE ARE GONNA ROCK THIS THING SO HARD, PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD WILL BUY THE TWINKIES! BECAUSE DAMMIT, WE NEED TO PAY RENT!
B-Soup & A-Con: YEAH!
Suddenly the dressing room door opens and all eyes turn to the door. Nate Claudius Rellington has officially entered the room, and the infamous suit Stryker and the others have been conversing about, makes itself known. Nate ends up being dressed in a giant Twinkie suit with large white clown like shoes, and has an angry facial expression upon his face while Stryker, A-Con, and B-Soup are now rolling on the floor laughing their asses off. Nate kicks the air and crosses his arms.
Nate: Laugh it up ass monkeys, cause this here ain’t no joke. I see B-Soup is all dressed and raring to go, but why in tarnation are you and A-Con not ready yet Stryker? You bastards were too busy eatin Twinkies than getting yourselves ready! Wait til you see the damn costumes you idiots have to wear, then you won’t be laughin now will ya!?
All three men stop and stare at Nate for a long time, then go back to laughing.
Nate: For Christ’s sake! Get ready, we’re on in fifteen!
Nate leaves the room and slams the door shut in a hurry. After a few more moments of laughing, the three amigos stop themselves in a huff and get serious.
Stryker: Okay guys, he’s right, as ridiculous as this all is, we need to overcome the humorous situation, and dominate the F***K out of it. What were we supposed to be dressed as again A-Con?
A-Con: Twinkie versions of Hansel and Gretel for the whole Fairytale feel.
Stryker: Damn, Nate was right, we’re gonna look more retarded than he does. How come B-Soup gets stuck with the cool golden ninja suit and we have to be friggin Twinkies!
B-Soup: Because I had official documentation showing the producers my ninja code of honor, and since my natural snack food shaped body already kinda looks like a Twinkie anyway, they just decided to color me nice and pretty so that I don’t have to unmask myself in front of the whole world.
A-Con: Bro, we’ve seen pictures of you without your stupid suit, you ain’t foolin anybody dude.
B-Soup: Shut up.
Stryker: Listen guys, we’re wastin time. Let’s get our asses out there and make this commercial our bitch!
A-Con and B-Soup both say yeah as the three walk out and get ready for the commercial.
It's only minutes now til the commercial shoot, Stryker and the whole gang are fully dressed to impress as they stand on the set waiting for their director. The set was very well done with it being a cardboard castle background featuring plastic life sized torches on each side of the castle replica. Okay, well, maybe not THAT well done. But the set itself was good enough to at least trick a five year old into believing Twinkies were real and lived in a fantasy world of dragons and trolls. As the gang of silly jackasses stand at the wait, they stare at each other in ridiculous notion. Nate seemed to be able to control his laughter and teasing to the others, but Stryker, A-Con, and B-Soup still agreed Nate had the worst suit.
Stryker wanted to deny it, he really did, but as he looked at himself in a female Twinkie Gretel costume, even he seemed a bit less idiotic as a Twinkie with a vagina than Nate did while he treated his costume like some sort of plague which made laughing at him all the more easier. A-Con on the other hand wasn't quite as filled with good humor as the others, he felt incredibly insecure in his suit and wanted badly to go back to his tan look and colorful clothing display. He felt that his looks became trapped and disregarded by this gigantic suit and truly wanted to burn it where he stood. But with a little motivation from one another, and plenty of drive to make that good money, each person swallows their pride, and accepts what they must do. Stryker decides to lighten the mood and shake off everyone's nerves with a quick joke.
Stryker: Well, it could be worse. We could be dressed as Justin Bieber doing a Vagasil commercial.
A-Con: That's hella true.
B-Soup: I wouldn't mind being dressed up as Justin Bieber! Then I can get all the ladies!
A-Con: Yeah, when I go pale and stop going clubbing.
Nate: Quit the yammerin and focus, the director could be here at any second and we need to be in position.
B-Soup: What KIND of position?
A-Con: Spread Eagle?
B-Soup: Sixty Nine?
Stryker: Or maybe my personal favorite, The Flying Monchetti Wheelbarrow!
Nate face palms himself and shakes his head. At this point Nate understands that his so called partners in crime don't exactly have brains in their heads at times, but he knows they help him make income, and always tries to shrug their cheekiness off. Brian and the others giggle slightly until their humorous blundering is interrupted by the director of the shoot with a mega phone in hand and a skip in his step.
Director: Good evening folks, it is I, DRAKE DOWNEY! But you, you may call me DD.
Stryker: That's the gayest name I've ever heard.
A-Con: I thought me and B's names were lame, but that guy is pretty up there in lame names.
Nate talks under his breath in an angry whisper.
Nate: Unless you wanna survive off of canned beans and bad casino bets I suggest you shut your yaps.
B-Soup: What he said.
Stryker and A-Con roll their eyes as "DD" steps forward eying them all down as they stand in a semi-straight line waiting for their cues. At one point the director even sniffs their armpits and brushes their chins. Nobody but the director understands what's going on, and he is taking his sweet time before he throws them all into the belly of the fish so to speak, and puts them on camera.
DD: So....I see that most of you are wearing Old Spice, and this cow boy fellow, he seems to be wearing Aqua Di Gio, interesting choices. But NONE of you ARE WEARING THE SPECIALIZED COLOGNE YOU WERE SENT IN THE MAIL TWO WEEKS AGO!
Stryker: Huh?
DD: I sent you all a large bottle of Twisted Twinkle, the cream and butterscotch mix cologne you were told to wear on the set today. Anyone want to EXPLAIN themselves? HMMM!?
Stryker: I never received it and I was never told about it either, so what the hell you want me to do pal?
A-Con: Yeah, isn't it bad enough we have to wear these costumes you made us put on?
DD: Are you two talking back to me?
Both: Yes.
DD: Say again, sorry, I didn't hear you.
Both: YE-
DD puts the mega phone to his mouth and screams loudly into their faces with it.
DD: TOO BAD FOR YOU! Because unless you do what the company wants, you will get NO cash.
DD drops the mega phone to his side and swishes his head in a hmph gesture, then gets ready to wrap the set up and call security to escort these men out of the building.
Nate: Aw come on, you gotta let us do this gig, we need it.
B-Soup: Hold the phone. I...I wanna admit something.
Everyone looks at B-Soup in a glimmer waiting to hear what he has to confess.
B-Soup: I saw the box of cologne in Stryker's apartment when we were all over for a long night of hardcore gaming, and got really thirsty, and since all Stryker had was water at the time, I thought it smelled good, and...I...I...
B-Soup starts to break down until finally.....HERE COMES THE WATER WORKS!
B-Soup: I DRANK THE WHOLE BOX! AND IT WAS SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!
B-Soup starts streaming down tears of sadness as they pour down towards the floor. A-Con huddles over him as he is hunched with his head in his hands.
A-Con: Forgive this dude, he's sensitive.
Stryker: Aw shucks B, I shoulda hid em from ya the day we got together like that.
B-Soup looks up at DD with tears rolling down his puffy squirrel cheeks, and makes his famous puppy dog eyed facial expression that hardly anybody can resist.
B-Soup: Pl....*hick* please. I *sniffle* am really....sorry I did that. But I couldn't....*snort* I couldn't help it. I'm just so poorly self controlled *sob* I sometimes let my stomach get the....*hiccup* the best of me.
DD raises an eyebrow then slowly looks at the sobbing and broken down ninja wannabe and analyzes the costumes the crew put on again, and decided to give them another chance.
DD: Alright, very well then, we can go on with the commercial, since you all did go through the trouble of at LEAST putting on your suits. Now get in front of the lens, AND LET US BEGIN!
Sighs of relief fill the room and surprisingly B-Soup didn't piss his pants this time. They walk towards the camera, the director holds his hand up to ready the signal for recording, Stryker and company line themselves up in front of the castle properly, and within seconds, it's show time!
DD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAND.......ACTION!
The sound of a lute begins to fill the area while a majestic cardboard rainbow is slowly reeled down above the heads of Stryker and his pals. B-Soup looks up and smiles.
B-Soup: WOAH! A REAL RAINBOW!
DD face palms with a loud groan.
DD: CUT!
B-Soup seems confused.
B-Soup: What?
DD: You weren't supposed to say that! You and your buddies were supposed to look interested in your surroundings until you see the Twinkie angel come down from above, and then that's when you say your one line, and Nate says his part, and we end the commercial. Remember FOOLS, The majority of the commercial will be narrated, and then, we will cut to this epic scene of beauty.
B-Soup nods his head as if he remembers now, and Nate and the others just compose themselves letting the mistake slide.
DD: Okay, ACTION!
Once again a cardboard rainbow is lowered downwards and a lute is heard. This time nobody says anything as the commercial keeps rolling, everybody just looks intrigued by everything they see around them, until at last the Twinkie Angel is lowered above their heads beside the rainbow, and just as it looks like B-Soup was gonna say his line, he draws a blank and becomes pale as he looks at the angel and freezes up on set.
Nate: I think he needs to call line.
DD: CUT!
B-Soup's eyes widen as the fake angel is pulled back up to the rafters of the set and the rainbow goes away with it. B then looks at the director in a fascination.
B-Soup: Did you see that wonderful angel!?!
DD: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! It's fake! You have one line, and then Nate has one line, and then you all breakout into a dance to the jingle, AND IT'S CUT! HOW HARD IS THAT!?! Your line was "THAT'S THE STUFF!" And then, Nate says "HOSTESS!" HOW DIFFICULT IS SUCH A TASK!?
Stryker: Calm down boss man, fat boy here doesn't do well under pressure like this.
B-Soup starts to cry again.
A-Con: Dammit, see what ya did?
B-Soup: But I...I was just trying...to....to....
DD: ENOUGH! We're through here, get off of my set, find another job, and don't return! SECURITY! THE CIA! THE FBI! SOMEBODY GET THESE CLOWNS OUT OF MY LINE OF VISION!
Stryker: Please, give us another shot!
DD: NO! OUT!
Stryker: You’re a d**k!
DD: LEAVE!!!
Just as Stryker is about to go over to the director and give him a piece of his mind, three security guards block Stryker and his friends from walking to DD and start guiding the gang out the back door. Stryker manages to flip DD the bird before him and his friends finally get the boot. When all is said and done, the four of them are left standing in their Twinkie costumes next to a dumpster and reminiscing within the stench of failure.
Nate: God dammit, I AM GETTING SO TIRED OF THIS BULL! Why do I have to be stuck with you morons! That's it Stryker, we're firing B-Soup and A-Con!
B-Soup is still crying and A-Con looks terrified at those words.
A-Con: Nate, don't say that....you KNOW not to say those words around us.
Nate: I don't give a rat's ass anymore! Stryker, they can employ themselves with someone else, we don't have time for this anymore.
Stryker walks over to Nate and puts a hand on his shoulder.
Stryker: Now Nate, we've been friends for a LONG time, back when I was a snot nose kid who didn’t know the difference between a armbar and a headlock, and we both know, that you can get a little carried away sometimes. So let's agree that A-Con and B-Soup just aren't meant for shit like this, and find something else for all of us to do to make a living.
A rage is clearly shown on Nate's face and body posture.
Nate: Are you KIDDING me? Not long ago you wanted these guys gone from your life, and now your DEFENDING them!?! Christ in harmony, have it your way. But when you’re ready to get serious about business, come and find me, until then, I'll be in my office in LA trying to make the big bucks for someone who wants it just a LITTLE more than you do.
Stryker: That's how you want it?
Nate: That's how I want it.
Stryker and Nate eye each other for a long time in a deathly gaze, until finally Stryker breaks the ice.
Stryker: Fine. I can't stop you from finding another client to help, but I want you to know we'll always be buds. And there ain't nothin you can do to change that.
Nate didn't seem to care about the comment, but Stryker could tell that somewhere inside him, Nate felt guilty. After moments of intense chemistry, Nate turns his back to Stryker and waddles off in his Twinkie suit towards the road. Like a cheesy Incredible Hulk scene, or a the ending of a western movie, Nate walks off into the sunset, and we go back to the task at hand.
Stryker: Well, here we are guys, all by our lonesome. But don't worry, he'll get over it. We just have to stick to our guns, and we'll be JUST fine.
B-Soup: R...really? Your gonna ditch him for...for us?
Stryker: He needs us B, he'll come crawling back in no time.
A-Con: For real, Nate doesn't have much more business than us, give it time, and we'll be back to the four compadre's in no time.
Stryker: Plus the three of us are buddies. We stuck through worst then this. Now come on, let’s go get some Chinese!
A-Con and B-Soup smile as the two walk off. Stryker stays behind them for a few steps.
Stryker: So it’s time for Anarchy. Where I’m getting another number 1 contendor match. This time for the broadcast title. Well a title is a title so I’m gonna fight my hardest for this one.
Last time I came just alittle up short, even though so many thought I was gonna win. I was kinda upset at that, but I quickly bounced back. I have a nice win streak going on and I have more confidence now than I did when I first got into a PCW ring. I have beaten opponents bigger than me and even held my own against a world title caliber wrestler. So something like my two opponents sound give me very little trouble.
First there’s Todd Lanford. Some GQ ripoff who think he’s worthy of gold because his daddy is rich. I can’t wait to kick him in the face, but I don’t think the sole of my shoe deserves to have such garbage on it. Plus what’s with the accent? His accent makes it sound like he’s part of some lame British sketch show.
He’s new and think he’s gonna walk right in a take what I’ve been working hard for? HELL NO! I’m gonna make sure he knows his place and send him right back to the bottom of the ladder. Money may buy a lot of things but what it can’t by is class, and skill. And I have all the skill I need to take this kid and kick his scrawny ass.
Now onto TSO. “The Sensational One” Max Taylor. Please. Sensational? More like boring. A flash in the pan. A guy who thinks he’s all that. He and Todd would probably get along and trade their secrets on how to be better douchebags.
Plus what was the fuck was with that last promo we saw him do? First he makes a book with the cover of what could only be described as child abuse, then whacks an old lady over the head! First Class Psycho. Plus why would he want to do a spinoff of 50 shades? Why make garbage from garbage? But that’s not the point.
Either way you two ass clowns are gonna be busy at Anarchy. It’s bring your own weapons which means its gonna get violent and that makes me happy. I live off hardcore wrestling. I thrive under that pressure. When I bleed it motivates me to no end. I am the child of CZW. Grandchild of ECW. I am a hardcore machine that lives off pain. I am durable and deadly.
Giving me weapons is like giving a drunk a teacup pig. Nothing good will happn. I will destroy everyone in the ring! How would you like to be destroyed? Stryke Out onto a steel chair? Light bulb tubes to the face until you can’t see? How bout I just beat you into submission. Remember you two, I’m not satisfied with just a win or an injury. I want to destroy you completely. When I beat you both, you’ll never be the same person again. And I know the current champion Marina Valdivia will be watching wondering who she will face for the title. And when she sees me emerge victorious, she will be scared out her mind. For I will beat her as well. See you guys in the ring and make yourself comfortable once there because you won’t be leaving that mat for a long, long time.
A-Con: Come on Hamster! We’re hungry!
Stryker: Coming!
Stryker starts running to catch up as the camera fades out.
