Post by Yoshiru Long on Sept 26, 2013 21:56:32 GMT -5
PRIEST BE WITH YOU
An older man in a black robe with a white collar sits on a wooden chair. He looks familiar, with the exception of the beard. Yoshiru sits in a wooden chair across from the man.
Yoshiru Long: I need to learn how to Priest.
Priest: Priesting takes years, decades to master.
Yoshiru Long: I only have a few hours. Saturday mass starts at six.
Priest: Ah... Priesting takes hours to master. So lets get started.
The Priest leads Yoshiru in to a kitchen. He opens the fridge.
Priest: Interesting choice of food. One key to training for Priesting is that it's easier to drink your food than to eat it. Much more efficient for the training.
Yoshiru Long: Got it.
Yoshiru begins to pull items out of the fridge and put them in a blender. Pizza, grapes, hot-dogs, an onion, a plate of spaghetti, an orange, and a few potatoes. He puts the lid on the blender and turns it on until it completely liquifies. He grabs a glass out of the cupboard and pours the liquid in to the glass.
Priest: Umm, I don't know that I'd drink that. Usually it's like orange juice and raw eggs.
Yoshiru Long: Non-sense!
Yoshiru downs the liquid and begins jogging in place.
Yoshiru Long: What's next?!
Priest: We go for a little run.
The Priest and Yoshiru jog out of the house. A moment later, the door opens and Yoshiru jogs to the bathroom. The Priest follows him.
Priest: I tried warning you.
After a moment of vomiting, Yoshiru opens the bathroom door, roaring to continue the training.
Priest: Before I forget, there's one more thing that we need.
The Priest grabs a Walkman off of the table in the living room. He hands it to Yoshiru. Yoshiru puts the Walkman in his pocket and puts the headphones on. He presses play on the Walkman, listening as “Eye Of The Tiger” blasts in to his eardrums. The two jog back out of the house.
“Eye Of The Tiger” continues to play as Yoshiru jogs down the street followed by the elderly-looking Priest. Yoshiru looks back to see how far ahead of the Priest he is. He faces forward again, running face first in to a pole and dropping to the ground.
Yoshiru Long: Son of a bitch! How does this help me with Priesting?!
Priest: You learn after a few years of Priesting that not everybody turns the other cheek when they don't share the same views as you.
Yoshiru Long: Fair enough. What's next?
“Eye Of The Tiger” continues to play as The Priest leads Yoshiru in to a meat factory. Three carcasses hang from the ceiling. Yoshiru jogs up to the first carcass and takes a few swings at the rib cage. The carcass resembles Mariano Fernandez with fake devil horns on it. Yoshiru continues to the next carcass and unleashes a few body shots. This carcass resembles Jay Thunder with devil horns on it. Yoshiru continues to the third carcass and swings. Before he connects, he hesitates. Yoshiru walks back over to the Jay Thunder carcass and removes the devil horns. He places them on top of the third carcass, which resembles Jerry Matthews. Yoshiru unleashes a vicious hook, knocking the carcass off of its hook and to the ground.
Priest: Excellent! You almost have mastered Priesting!
The two jog back out of the meat factory and continue down the road. The Priest hops in to a cab and takes off as Yoshiru continues to jog, “Eye Of The Tiger” still playing. Yoshiru continues down the road until he reaches the courthouse. He jogs up the steps where The Priest stands next to a statue of Paul Blair. Yoshiru raises his arms in victory as the Priest cheers him on.
Father Rick: Are you serious?!
Yoshiru sits in an office with another Priest, this one tied down to a chair. Yoshiru hits the stop button on the VCR in the room, revealing that the training was a recording that was being shown to the Priest.
Yoshiru Long: Damn right, Father! I mastered Priesting, and now I'm going to Priest the shit out of your congregation!
Father Rick: Are you high?!
Yoshiru Long: Not at the moment.
Father Rick: You seriously think that because you re-enacted a scene from Rocky that you now know how to lead a congregation?!
Yoshiru Long: I still have a little bit to learn. But I can do most of it. I mean, really, the only training I haven't had is how to molest little boys.
Father Rick: You'll never be a true Priest then...
Yoshiru Long: Whatever, Father. I'm going to go out there tonight and Priest your people ALL NIGHT LONG!
Yoshiru grabs a white robe and puts it on over his clothes. He grabs some gold accessories and drapes them over his shoulders. Yoshiru puts a gag in Father Rick's mouth and walks out of the office. He walks out to a podium.
Yoshiru Long: Brothers and sisters! Let us this day rejoice! Our lord and savior Jesus Christ sacrificed himself to forgive us our sins. And I know, some of you are asking how in the world the sacrifice of one man could forgive us our sins! He is THAT DAMN GOOD! Choir! Give me a hallelujah!
Choir: HALLALUEAH!
Yoshiru Long: Give me another!
Choir: HALLALUEAH!
Yoshiru Long: We needed his sacrifice. That crafty little snake, Satan...he gets us to sin. He got this fat kid here in the front row to bully a classmate! He got that middle-aged woman back there to sleep around on her husband! That bald guy back there...I'm sure he has some innocent sixteen year old girl tied to a chair in his basement for his pleasure! He got me to sleep with a hooker last week...and last Tuesday...and yesterday.
Choir: HALLALUEAH!
Yoshiru snaps his head toward the choir.
Yoshiru Long: Not a Hallelujah moment!
The choir quickly quiets.
Yoshiru Long: Now, I could stand up here and recite bible verses to you, but let's face it, it's nothing that you haven't heard before. The bottom line is, Jesus Christ may have died for our sins, but it still doesn't give us the right to be sinful bastards! That's the problem with all of you idiots! You think that you can sin all you want, and as long as you ask for forgiveness, all is good!
Sirens are suddenly heard. Yoshiru is suddenly seen sitting at a table, a police officer sitting across from him in the interrogation room.
Yoshiru Long: And that's when you showed up.
Officer Davidson: Right. So, you trained Rocky-style to become a “Priest”. Then you tied up the Priest of the church and took his place.
Yoshiru Long: Technically, yes.
Officer Davidson: You do realize that holding the Priest hostage is a crime, right?
Yoshiru Long: It can't be. I mastered Priesting! I was totally qualified to take his spot!
Officer Davidson: Mastered Priesting?
Yoshiru Long: Alright, alright! You got me! I didn't finish the training. We never went over the part about molesting little boys.
Officer Davidson begins taking notes.
Officer Davidson: And what exactly possessed you to “master Priesting”?
Yoshiru Long: I don't know. It looked easy. My buddy Paul plays a Priest in movies, and Father Rick made it look like a piece of cake.
Officer Davidson: Look, Father Rick isn't pressing charges. In fact, his exact words were “You can't help it that he's a fucking idiot”.
Yoshiru Long: Such kind words from Father Rick.
Officer Davidson: Well, it means that you're free to go.
Yoshiru stands up and makes his way over to the door.
Yoshiru sits on the couch in his mansion looking up at the big-screen TV which has Paul Blair on it.
Paul Blair: So, you were trained on how to be a Priest. You held a Priest hostage and took over his congregation. And you were arrested?
Yoshiru Long: Not bad for one day's work, right?
Paul Blair: An interesting day. So, about women's rights. I apparently have these womens groups that are now pretty much trying to crucify me for a few misguiding comments that I might or might not have made.
Yoshiru Long: Comments like what?
Paul Blair: Saying that the only job that women should have is to cook, clean, or to ride you like a wild hog.
Yoshiru Long: And these womens groups have a problem with that?
Paul Blair: That say that it's demeaning?
Yoshiru Long: They just don't get it, Paul. I understand where you're coming from. The culinary field has been overran by men. More women need to be given a chance in that field. And cleaning, that used to be a job exclusively worked by women. It wasn't meant to be demeaning. They were just better than we were at cleaning. And as far as the riding you like a wild hog, that should be self-explanatory. If we wish to increase the population of this country, we need to continue to breed. If we wish to continue to breed, that means that women will have to ride us like wild hogs. It makes perfect sense!
Paul Blair: Thank you! Someone that finally understands! You have always been fair to Blair!
Yoshiru Long: I've got your back. Now, back to the police station.
Yoshiru continues to talk to Blair on the TV.
Yoshiru takes a sip from the glass at the bar. He sets it down in front of him and looks up at the bartender.
Yoshiru Long: And that was my day.
Bartender: Sorry? I wasn't really paying attention, man. I've been waiting on my other customers.
Yoshiru Long: What?! Seriously! Alright, alright. Let me start from the beginning. I invited this Priest over to teach me how to Priest the shit out of people...
Yoshiru starts retelling his story to the bartender.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
And here we are again. It's funny how things work. Week in and week out it's the same old story. All of these superstars dying to break out. Dying to become the next big thing look to myself and Curt as their way to rise to the top. They decide that if they can make an impact against the main event stars, they'll be seen as main event material. Almost a year ago, it was Syn who tried using my and Curt's star power to propel his career. A couple of weeks ago, it was Ryan Robinson who tried using our star power to propel his career. Now it's Jerry Matthews following in suit.
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Didn't you learn anything from Syn or Ryan? Syn wanted to propel himself through me, and instead, I showed the world that I was a better Syn than Syn himself! Ryan wanted to propel himself through me, believing that he was better than myself. Believing that he was better than The Elite. So two weeks ago, I stepped in to the ring with him, and I showed him...I showed the world that The Reaper, he's all talk! He can talk a big game. But when it came time for The Reaper to step up and back up the words that he spoke, he just didn't have it in him.
Look, Jerry. It's something I see all the time. People talk. People talk shit. But most of them, they just can't back up the words that they say. I dealt with that for thirteen years. Guys that thought I was nothing. Guys that thought I had no skill in the ring. Guys that thought that they were better skilled in the ring. Guys that thought they were unbeatable. But those guys, each and every one of them learned one very important lesson...it takes more than words.
I know, I'm forgetting. That's what it's all about, right? “The Good Word”. Your Holy Bible. I've always found it funny that a person could undoubtably believe in something that relied purely on faith. You can't physically see God. Yet, you believe he exists. You find it more plausible that a mysterious immortal being caused the creation of everything on Earth rather than an evolutionary chain. But the thing is, Jerry...they're only words. Just because the words themselves claim to be true, it doesn't make them true. Anyone could have written any part of that book of yours. It could have been an elaborate story that they came up with. They could have decided that if they said the book was true, more people would read it. And yet, even through all of this. Even through KNOWING the possibility that the book could be a work of fiction, you still have faith.
But faith, it's what makes you weak, Jerry. And that's something that people of faith don't understand. They think that their faith makes them strong. But it doesn't. Their faith in that book shows just how feeble-minded they are. Faith, it makes you breakable, Jerry. It makes you vulnerable. It gives you weak points. Because in the end, the key to being strong is just not caring.
Do you honestly think that you and your Deacon actually can step in to the ring with The Elite and defeat us? Why? Because God is in your corner? Because through your faith and through his will, you will be given the strength to defeat us? I have four words for you, Jerry. God can't save you! When you get in to the ring with myself and Curt, you and your Deacon are on your own. Your good book, your sacred words, and of your faith and religion, it won't help you, Jerry. You will be stepping in to the ring with two of the greatest that PCW has ever seen. And at the end of the night you will see that myself and Curt, we are Elite...and we're just better than you!