Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2021 3:12:50 GMT -5
Aye, here I sit, looking upon the camera with all the regret I can muster, speaking to an audience that hadn't seen me for over two years now. I was nervous for sure, as I was uncertain of how or even if I'd be received at all. With a click of the remote in my hand, the little red light comes on, the view finder giving me instant feedback. Time to do this.
"Molly O'Hatherine here and well, bet ye' ne'er expected ta' see me again, WWA faithful," I begin, secretly cursing myself on the inside for how meek my voice came across.
I suddenly worried about my attire, the looks of the hotel room I was shooting from, all of that. Even the haircut I had suddenly became a focal point of my thoughts. Fuck when did I become such a bundle of raw nerve, yeah?
"I've missed ye' all so much & while it wasn't me choice ta' leave, it was me fault," came my pained admission, which I then added further, "So why am I here, ye' might be askin'?"
Such a loaded question, even for myself.
"Because this is where it all began, my downfall, spiraling the drain into a career of regret, indecision, impulsion, and indiscretion. I burned the first bridge here and blazed a trail of disappointment everywhere I went and why?"
Oh the tremble in my voice, that little quiver. I rally against the overwhelming wave of pain and hurt that washes over me. Eyes averted, I hug myself with arms tight. The shame threatened to overwhelm me, but I muster the strength and look back to the camera.
"The reason could be any number of things but all roads lead me back to here, to tha moment when I let me doubt and insecurities override my good sense. I lashed out at me friends and foes alike, used and hurt those close to me, and out of stubborn obstinance, I continued ta' do so after the fact, manipulatin' and usin' people ta' further me own ends. I'd become selfish, self-centered, and even abusive at times. It all came to a head when I drove the love of my life out the door and turned to drugs to cope. In a bizarre twist, I saw someone who looked alot like me and immediately thought the betch was tryin' ta' steal me life and identity and in that mad fit, combined with tha' pain I was goin' through, I bought a gun and came close to making lead me final meal, sucked straight from the gun barrel between me lips like a metal cock, yeah."
The recollection of that night, holding a cheap three fifty seven revolver in my hand, tasting the barrel between my teeth sent a shudder down my spine. How close it really was to being all over, yeah?
"Part of me wonders if that'd have been such a terrible loss, but that speaks to another reason I am making this video. When ya' fall into a pit of despair, ye' either claw yer way out of that black hole or ya' sink further from tha' light till it becomes a speck high above, a tiny ray of hope lost. I'm here not ta' beg fer a job lost, but to ask fer tha' chance ta' finish what I started and make tha' world around me right again. Two years wasted away from tha' one place I gave a damn about, sufferin' fer it with anger and fury unrequited, taking it out on those around me as I used them to try and further ambition without direction, hate undeserved as I said, to tha' world, 'I'll show them! I'll make someone else so much fawkin' money and they'll bloody well cry for turnin' me out into tha' cold!'"
I wipe at the moisture in me eyes. Fawk... I don't need tears right now!
"I sure showed you, didn't I Dani?" I say with a sardonic smirk twisting my lips.
"Now I see the light and want a chance to make things right again. What say you, Mrs. Lopez? Is tha' door open or am I no longer welcome in your house, irredeemable and damned for all time?"
Slowly, I lean forward.
"If no, I'll understand. It's hard to get over being disappointed, but if yes, I'll do everything in my power to make you never regret that choice. Time ta' heal regardless. I hope ta' hear back from ye' very soon, sister."
With that I click the remote and kill the camera. Deep within the confines of my mind, there's a part of me that is laughing, calling the me pathetic for crawling back on my hands and knees, claiming I'm begging for scraps at a table like a pathetic wretch. The reasoning side tells that wicked twisted thing to shut the fuck up and get back in it's corner before she kicks it's arse from one ear and out tha' other. I've had enough of being the impulsive, arrogant fool. It's bloody 2021 and we've all had enough of such impulsive, reckless shite, yeah.
"Molly O'Hatherine here and well, bet ye' ne'er expected ta' see me again, WWA faithful," I begin, secretly cursing myself on the inside for how meek my voice came across.
I suddenly worried about my attire, the looks of the hotel room I was shooting from, all of that. Even the haircut I had suddenly became a focal point of my thoughts. Fuck when did I become such a bundle of raw nerve, yeah?
"I've missed ye' all so much & while it wasn't me choice ta' leave, it was me fault," came my pained admission, which I then added further, "So why am I here, ye' might be askin'?"
Such a loaded question, even for myself.
"Because this is where it all began, my downfall, spiraling the drain into a career of regret, indecision, impulsion, and indiscretion. I burned the first bridge here and blazed a trail of disappointment everywhere I went and why?"
Oh the tremble in my voice, that little quiver. I rally against the overwhelming wave of pain and hurt that washes over me. Eyes averted, I hug myself with arms tight. The shame threatened to overwhelm me, but I muster the strength and look back to the camera.
"The reason could be any number of things but all roads lead me back to here, to tha moment when I let me doubt and insecurities override my good sense. I lashed out at me friends and foes alike, used and hurt those close to me, and out of stubborn obstinance, I continued ta' do so after the fact, manipulatin' and usin' people ta' further me own ends. I'd become selfish, self-centered, and even abusive at times. It all came to a head when I drove the love of my life out the door and turned to drugs to cope. In a bizarre twist, I saw someone who looked alot like me and immediately thought the betch was tryin' ta' steal me life and identity and in that mad fit, combined with tha' pain I was goin' through, I bought a gun and came close to making lead me final meal, sucked straight from the gun barrel between me lips like a metal cock, yeah."
The recollection of that night, holding a cheap three fifty seven revolver in my hand, tasting the barrel between my teeth sent a shudder down my spine. How close it really was to being all over, yeah?
"Part of me wonders if that'd have been such a terrible loss, but that speaks to another reason I am making this video. When ya' fall into a pit of despair, ye' either claw yer way out of that black hole or ya' sink further from tha' light till it becomes a speck high above, a tiny ray of hope lost. I'm here not ta' beg fer a job lost, but to ask fer tha' chance ta' finish what I started and make tha' world around me right again. Two years wasted away from tha' one place I gave a damn about, sufferin' fer it with anger and fury unrequited, taking it out on those around me as I used them to try and further ambition without direction, hate undeserved as I said, to tha' world, 'I'll show them! I'll make someone else so much fawkin' money and they'll bloody well cry for turnin' me out into tha' cold!'"
I wipe at the moisture in me eyes. Fawk... I don't need tears right now!
"I sure showed you, didn't I Dani?" I say with a sardonic smirk twisting my lips.
"Now I see the light and want a chance to make things right again. What say you, Mrs. Lopez? Is tha' door open or am I no longer welcome in your house, irredeemable and damned for all time?"
Slowly, I lean forward.
"If no, I'll understand. It's hard to get over being disappointed, but if yes, I'll do everything in my power to make you never regret that choice. Time ta' heal regardless. I hope ta' hear back from ye' very soon, sister."
With that I click the remote and kill the camera. Deep within the confines of my mind, there's a part of me that is laughing, calling the me pathetic for crawling back on my hands and knees, claiming I'm begging for scraps at a table like a pathetic wretch. The reasoning side tells that wicked twisted thing to shut the fuck up and get back in it's corner before she kicks it's arse from one ear and out tha' other. I've had enough of being the impulsive, arrogant fool. It's bloody 2021 and we've all had enough of such impulsive, reckless shite, yeah.